i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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