Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
