It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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