I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
