Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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