How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I am morally bankrupt
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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