I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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