Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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