i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
