im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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