Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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