I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
