The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
