He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
