I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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