You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
