the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
