What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
