barbara walters just said penis...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
