So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
