Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
