He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
