Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
