Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
