I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
