before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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