i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
