drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize