So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
