I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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