I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
