i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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