the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I could fuck to npr.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
