I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
