walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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