maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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