it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
