After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
