a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
