I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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