____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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