Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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