The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
