Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
