i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
