I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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