Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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