Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
