Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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