It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
