I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
