she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
