He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
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