Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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