So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
