textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
