I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
