so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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