I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
