i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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