could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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