If that was your dad, he is hot
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The ass gains better be worth it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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