You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Alive.
So much puke
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
