In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
