Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
